| last entry.
sorry
if you wanna know about my life, talk to me.
to all of you that i dont talk to often, i miss you.
to all of my friends from highschool, i love you very much. i wish we were closer like old times. i guess stuff like this happens though right? its sad sometimes...i miss you guys. sometimes i wish things were different, but wishing doesnt get us very far. Man, I remember all the times we spent together, all the laughs, all the smiles...we were all so close, so innocent. ill never forget any of you. I know i dont get to talk or see you much at all, but i still love you. I cry about it sometimes when I think about it. I have never had as close friends as you guys. No one made me feel as comforted as you guys. I was apart of something so great. You all made me who I am...i grew up with you...I experienced falling in love, getting my heart broken, crying on shoulders, talking to late at night, spending nights just enjoying each others company...man i miss you guys. i really miss you. im crying now just writing about this. i love you
to my friends from college, i love you guys to very much. i know i havnt let many, if any of you see who I really am, and that hurts me. For some reason I have these huge walls up, and im scared to let anyone know who i really am. im scared to show true emotion, im scared to cry, im scared to laugh, scared to be studid, scared to have fun. man, i promise you guys there is so much more to me than you think. for the three years i have been in college i have been perpetually been trying to make new friends like I used to have ...and i cant. i have such a hard time forming meaningful friendships. man small talk I can do: i can ask you how u are and tell you I am fine and walk on. im scared to show who i am. i feel like im not good enough sometimes. i feel like people dont really wanna know who I AM inside, yet at the same time I dont want people to know. For three years I have been struggling at this. Man i am so exhausted. this is hard. I feel like I am trying to conform to your standards. i really think i am going crazy. i miss being happy. I miss having people to just call and cry on or talk to. i miss not having to fake smiling. sometimes i feel like i act like i am 40 years old. i stay at home, do my deadlines, go to bed early cuz waking up and getting 8 hours of sleep is important. be at work, 30 hours a week, straight A student, save money for retirment....I AM 20 years old! responsability is great, but dang. Sometimes i feel like i am wasting my young life cuz i am always so stressed or anxious or feeling like i suck, cuz so many things about me need changed. im dreaming hopeless lies. im scared to make friends. i feel so uncomfortable getting to know someone, u know those weird akward moments. i am not a people person...most people intimidate the crap out of me. man am i ok? guess i always knew i was broken on the inside watching life pass me by. i look at you guys and i LOVE you. each of you is so different and each of you are so amazing, but i never stopped to ask you if it was ok. am I the only one? i guess i always thought college would be a lot different. I wasnt scared at all when i first came to school... i knew i was gonna make some great great friends that i would be so close with and live with and talk to the rest of my life. and each year since i started my hopes of that get fainter. Im graduating in less than a year. man things went so much differently than i thought. sure if i drank and/or partied other people would love to hang out with me and I wouldnt be looked at as such a lame outcast by some of my old friends...IM SORRY. im sorry i dont like to go to parties to get drunk. IM SORRY. i just wish i could be accepted for me. i dont belong. so apparently, the girl that you dont know very well (except through xanga entries) has a lot of issues.
well way to end with a bang right? goodbye. to those i dont talk to again i love you and miss you and always will. ill never forget u. we werent always strangers, remember all the years we spend laughing...it feels guilty to be happy. i hope its ok. dont forget me.
~em |
